Bringing up Boys

There may not be real differences between men and women’s brains once they reach adulthood, and particularly in how they process information. Nobody, however, would argue that men and women are not very different biologically. The same goes for boys and girls.

The differences are not just physical, and certainly not just visible. Male hormones cause boys to grow and develop differently from girls, and develop certain skills sooner, but others later.

This has clear implications for bringing up boys, and helping them to navigate the complicated world of education.

Differences in the way children develop manifest themselves early.

For example:

• Small boys tend to want to move around more than small girls, and will occupy more space as they play;
• Toddler girls will be quicker to notice and respond to other children than their male counterparts, who tend to play ‘alongside’ rather than ‘with’ other children for much longer;
• Boys tend to build and manipulate toys more, whereas girls will often get more involved in ‘role play’.

What this adds up to is that boys generally develop gross motor skills earlier than girls, but their social skills lag behind.

Boys also tend to have a testosterone surge somewhere around the ages of about four to five, making them more active.

Of course, this is just around the time that they are expected to start attending nursery school or kindergarten, and conforming to behavioural norms such as sitting down for ‘circle time’, sharing with other children and taking turns.

Put like that, it is clear why starting school can be much more of a problem for boys than for girls.

Three Stages of Development

Boys go through three phases of growth, and need different role models in each.

Birth to age 6

At this stage, a boy is very much his mother’s child.

He looks primarily to her for help and support, and her role is to provide a warm and loving environment. The key at this stage is for both parents to show a boy that he is loved.

Age 6 to 14

During this period, boys start to look at how to become men, and their father is their key role model, demonstrating how men should behave.

Boys often go to considerable lengths to attract their father’s attention during this period, even becoming ill in their father’s absence.

It is, however, important that their mothers do not distance themselves from boys: boys need to know that their mother is still there, and still loves them.

Ages 14 and over

At this stage, the boy starts to look beyond his immediate family for one or more male ‘mentors’.

His parents need to step back a little, but should make sure that he has some good male mentors, choosing them carefully to ensure that their boy remains safe. Without this support, he will otherwise draw on his peer group, hence, suggests, the rise of gang culture in areas with a history of absent fathers and lack of male involvement in the wider community.

These stages are not absolute, and that both mother and father need to be involved throughout, but that they should be aware of these primary needs and support them.

What boys need to know

1. Who’s in charge?
2. What are the rules?
3. Will those rules be fairly enforced?.          It seems that structure and fairness are vital to boys. Scientists have also observed this need in young apes and monkeys, who develop a very clear hierarchy in their social groups.

Supporting Boys at School

A number of commentators have called for boys to start school a year later than girls to ensure that they are at a similar level of readiness.

That, however, is unlikely to happen any time soon.

It is therefore up to parents to support their boys through school and make sure that they cope.

Ways that you can help include:

• Making sure that they have lots of space and time to run around outside school hours. If it helps, you can always take them to the playground or to play football for half an hour before school;
• Help them to develop their language skills from an early age (and see our page on Supporting Learning for more);
• Talk to them about the importance of not hitting or fighting, and help them to find other ways to resolve problems;
• Talk to them about options and decisions, and handling social situations. This will help them to deal with these aspects better, and understand how to make good decisions. See our pages on Decision-Making and Teaching Children Social Skills.

Growing Up

The teenage years bring huge challenges for boys, including hormonal surges and changes. They also, of course, bring challenges to parents.

As parents, it is important to remember that these hormonal changes have more than just visible effects: they also affect the brain. For example, boys really do become more disorganised, it is not just an act.

Growth spurts can also have unexpected physical effects; for example, research shows that they can affect the ear canals and actually make boys slightly deaf for periods of time.